Conservative Uses for the New Commerce Clause

Congressional Democrats, Obama, and his Justice Department claim to find in the Constitution's commerce clause the authorization to force people to engage in commercial actions like buying health insurance the majority deems to benefit others.  Never mind, they say, that the far-reaching consequences of this New Commerce Clause would include completely negating all constitutional restrictions on the powers of the Federal government.

However, before conservatives take up pitchforks to attack that constitutional interpretation, and before liberals take to the barricades to defend it, both should consider how it might be used against its defenders.

How then might a conservative majority wield such a power to force commercial behavior they think right and proper?  Here are

The Top Ten Conservative Uses for the New Commerce Clause

10. Force everyone to buy beer (because it funds public entertainment like baseball and NASCAR, and alcohol is now known to be healthful)

9. Force everyone to buy tickets to country and western dances (because the exercise is good for them).

8. Force everyone to buy infield tickets to NASCAR events (to broaden their knowledge of American culture).

7. Force everyone to spend $100 a week at a suburban mall (to strengthen the American economy)

6. Force everyone to buy Rush Limbaugh's sponsor's products (to aid in the dissemination of the truth)

5. Force everyone to buy an automobile (to take the load off the public transit system and reduce the subsidies).

4. Force everyone to buy and maintain a single family home, e.g., repaint and relandscape at specified intervals (to enhance the value of their neighbors' properties)

3. Force everyone to subscribe to The Weekly Standard, National Review, and Human Events (to support and increase the diversity of political thought)

2. Force everyone to buy books on the non-human causes of climate warming  (to keep the spirit of scientific inquiry alive and well).

And the Number One Conservative Use for the New Commerce Clause...

1. Force everyone to buy a semiautomatic rifle with a 30 shot magazine, pistol grips, and a flash suppressor (to enhance public safety and help keep gun makers economically viable)

Or maybe conservatives will just force liberals to buy two bumper stickers, one reading "Be careful what you wish for...!" and the other "Any Government powerful enough to give you everything you want...."

All such frivolity aside, there could be serious adverse consequences for progressivist ideals.  Under this New Commerce Clause, a Federal law to require direct private payment for every child's education at the prevailing private school tuition rate would be constitutional.